new post @ 4:33 AM

After the dismiss of my Dad, I have come to realize one thing. And that is, I have no control over life or whatsoever. I have no control of the things I once held dear. What is mine is not mine. That I once thought it was mine, is not mine. My watch, my computer, my digital camera, my friends, my family, my senses, my abilities, my life. All these are MINE. These are things that I thought it was mine and I had control over them, but they are not mine and i have no control. Once I thought I have control over things, now I know I don't. Under the instruction of my thinking and feelings I control things. I worked so hard when my dad was sick. I rushed up and down, to and flo. I was with him all the while. I read up the net for information about the illness he was suffering, CANCER. I tried to understand more about it. I recommended the best doctors to operate on my dad. The best and the latest medicine and chemo therapy was introduced to my dad. All for one reason, that he will live on and live longer. I thought I had control. I thought I was in control, But now everything that I worked on, doesn't really matter..... I thought the human race was in control. I thought medical science was in control. I thought the doctors were in control. And if I wanted my Dad to live longer, I had to rely on my own abilities to seek help and source for alternatives. So I thought I was in control...... But sadly. Life is not in my control. I thought I had control over many things. But no, I realized. NO. Nothing is in my control. Once I thought it was mine, my Dad. Is gone. I have no control over this. God is in control. And I assume and guess. God is in control over things, every slightest thing, every thing. All that is once mine, is not mine. It belongs to God. He can take it back anytime. These are not mine, it belongs to God. Everything belongs to God. He can take it back anytime and at any point of my life. Now I know what it means by surrendering everything I have, that I SURRENDER everything I hold on dearly. I SURRENDER to you LORD. Because, I am not in CONTROL. You are GOD. You are in control over the things I have and I surrender it to you. You have given it to me and you can take it back. One day you will take it back, once I held so dearly. The only thing that I can do, is to believe in you and have faith in you. Other than that, I surrender...

Dad in heaven, Thank You for all the things you have given me and imparted to me all these years. I will remember the love you showered on me. Though now I will not receive any from you. Dad, I loved the devotion you have for us and for me. I still clearly remember when I wanted a MD, you gave me the money to buy though I insisted that I wanted to be independent and use my own money. Thank you for buying the latest and the most favourite handphone I wanted, even without me having to asked you, you read my thoughts and bought new phones time and time again. Thank you for surprising me by buying the bluetooth set, even I didn't see a need to and thought it was unnecessary of you. Thank you for sending me to a Christian school. Thank you for fetching me to school and eating at the Roti Prata coffeeshop just outside my primary school (Those good old days). Thank you for being there for me when my classmate Adrian bullied me when I was in Primary 2 and Primary 6. Thank you for being there when the principal called you and told you that I cheated on my final year exam. I thought I was going to end up in a lousy terrible scolding, you did not. Rather, you gave me a disappointed look and made me realized how sad you were. And made me realize that I was wrong. Thank you for bringing me to the doctors when I had the most awful fall in my life and terribly hurt my knees. Thank you for teaching me how to cycle, I was so sad when I saw everyone else cycling on two wheels whereas mine is on four wheels. It was embarrassing. You told me not to worry and not to be shy. Everybody must learn and everybody has a first time. You ran along with me as I unsteadily cycled. Till I finally cycled like a pro today. Thank you for teaching me how to fish. It gave me peacefulness with you as we patiently wait for the first catch. I remember Pierce Reservoir, the times spent fishing with you. Thank you for always generously giving me the money whenever I stepped into an arcade. Thank you for teaching me and telling me about the opposite sex and how sensitive they are. Thank you for bringing me to work at your office work place and allowing to widen my exposure to working life and made me realized how hard money is earned without qualifications. And though you held a high rank, nobody dared to touch me. Thank you for accompanying me to lunch every single time when I was working in your office. You never failed to go lunch with me even when your acquaintances called you to join them, you put me in mind first. Thank you for protecting me when I was vulnerable to office politics. Thank you for all the patience you have for me. Thank you for having high hopes you have for me in my studies. I know I will reach somewhere high one day. Thank you for fetching me to camp every book-in when I was in BMT. Even though I insisted that you do not have to fetch me, I really wanted you to come along. And you were with me in the MRT every book-in even though I said no need. You accompanied me and kept me occupied in the train. And I know that the ride home for you is lonely. Thank you for imparting many good characters and qualities to me. And there are many more thank you, it showed the love you had for me. But all these stated above are nothing compared to more you have given me. You gave me more than this, much more invaluable substance than this... Ha, What I stated here is all material. The love, the advice, the reprimand, the guidance, the scolding, the open thinking ness. The love is tremendous. I cannot explain. What I state above are the easier things you gave me. The more priceless love products you gave me will make me cry if I will to state them. Because what you have imparted to me is not just happiness, but love. FATHERLY LOVE. It is sad that I cannot receive it anymore from you. Anyway Dad, you told me once not to be emotional because I am man. And I have to take things to my stride. But I love you Dad and I want you to know I am very proud of you DAD. I told you this when you were alive. So I tell you again.